I’ve always pondered what makes turning 21 a big deal when you’re considered an adult after turning 18. Never bothered to find out, though.

My turning 21 is a cause for retrospect. Um, I don’t know, man, it’s almost a surreal feeling for me, given the type of person I think I am.
See, I have this really solidly occupant fear of growing up. Whenever I think to myself about it, I refer back to when I was still a kid growing up; I refer to those days and think to myself, “Perhaps I fear growing up because I grew up too fast as a kid. I assumed positions I should have been oblivious to. So, now as it is the time to assume some of them, I pull back in fear of reliving the experience.”  It’s like there’s no fun in growing up and experiencing the hardships of coming of age because I anticipate everything. And, I mean, it’s always been said that the best things are the unexpected ones.

I also tend to reflect on this past year quite a lot. The synopsis I’d give of this year would definitely be “What a shit year”.
A lot of stuff has happened this year which quarried every ounce of energy I had. Met people, lost people. Fell in love, that didn’t work out quite as planned. Disappointed the people that matter the most to me. It’s been a turbulent time all year round.
Questioned a lot if I really was meant to do great things. Still do. It’s all been overwhelming.

Had a conversation with my mom this past Thursday and laid out all that I’m dealing with. As a parent, it hurts her to see her kid going through shit, you know? But what she told me was, she told me that I’m still very much young, so unless the plan was to die just after turning 21, or the world abruptly ends, I still have time to better myself and fix all the mistakes I’ve done. She also told me that, for as long as I have what I think is a good heart coupled with good intentions, then everything will work out.

So, I don’t know, man. At this current minute, I have zilch intentions of giving this entire life phenomenon another go, but I also have this feeling that being at an all-time low doesn’t mean life is over. If anything, it means life has just begun, because I have to climb up to the top.
So, I guess I will, if not for me, then for the people that believe in me.

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